#MeToo has not gone too far

In fact, it has yet to go far enough.

In the wake of Ontario’s provincial Conservative leader being accused of sexual harassment and assault, I’ve been receiving messages from people that maybe #MeToo has gone too far; maybe it’s backfiring; men don’t know what they can do anymore; men think all women are man-haters.

I received such a message this morning, and I am sick to death of hearing things like “men think if they kindly pat a woman on the back, they’ll be accused of sexual harassment.”

For. Fuck. Sakes.

Here’s a response I wrote to a woman this morning who has these ‘concerns’:


I don’t know that I have an answer for you here. For far too long, girls, women, and some boys and men have suffered at the hands of men and there have been no consequences.

Men who have not done terrible things to anyone in the past need not be worried. False accusations are no more a thing in the world of sexual assault allegations than they are in any other crime (about 2%).

So, I’m not super concerned about alienating men, to be quite frank. Those who’ve done nothing wrong or who would do nothing wrong, have nothing to worry about and most of the ones I know are in full support of the #MeTooand #TimesUp movements.

Men have long said that feminists are man-haters. And they’ve long been dead wrong about that. Men who say supporters of #MeToo are man-haters are also dead wrong. There is no man-hating here, there is only finally mustering the courage to call out what’s been happening to too many girls and women for far too long.

Men who aren’t sure if they can touch a woman in any way can simply ask. And most men know for certain that “if they kindly pat a woman on the back” there are no grounds for a sexual harassment or assault case there…unless they repeatedly do it after being asked not to.

I am sick to death of the whole “men don’t know what they can do anymore” bullshit.

Ask. Her.

“Now men are expected to keep asking if the woman is still okay with this?”

Yes. What is the fucking problem with that?

How do people not get how fucking hot it is to hear a breathless “do you want me to do x to you?” or a “please give me more of that.”

Enthusiastic, ongoing consent is fucking hot. End of.

Accusing men of sexual harassment and sexual assault is not fun for women.  We do not look forward to doing it. We do not look or wait for opportunities to do it.

2 thoughts on “#MeToo has not gone too far

  1. Can I just pipe up here, for a moment, as a man who might be considered to be at risk of this type of thing because of how many female friends I have?

    I don’t for a minute think that any of my actions would draw that kind of criticism or cause a woman to feel that way. Why? Because, even when physical contact is involved (hugging, back-patting etc.), I treat my female friends like I treat my male friends; with respect. I respect their boundaries. I respect their thoughts. I respect who they are.

    Men who say these things are worried precisely because they know they haven’t been treating women respectfully. And many of us can see that as far as continuing to accept that, #timesup. The fear of consequences causes them to minimize the interaction so that their infractions seem less severe. A more productive activity for these men is to evaluate their treatment of women and put in real work to change their behaviours.

    And that’s where the hostility comes from: the privileged being asked to change.

    So I will continue to hug my friends (who are okay with it) and respect those who feel differently, and support those who are helping make this long-overdue change by supporting, amplifying, and hearing their #metoo moments.

    In short, it has not gone far enough because the underlying problem persists.

    Oh, who put this soapbox here?

    (*steps off soapbox)


  2. Evidently I screwed up my attempt at replying to your post so I’ll try again. Here goes:

    I totally agree with you and I’m a male. Your post made me smile because I remembered when I was challenged by a woman to come up with how to teach boys/men not to rape. The first thought that came to my mind was that trying to teach “Thou shalt not” was unlikely to be very effective. I thought that teaching boys/men how to attract girls/women would be a much more effective approach. You have a receptive audience if you try to teach them how to do what they want to do. I thought, and, still do think, that teaching boys/men that a good way to attract girls/women was by treating them with the respect, dignity and fairness that they deserve. Demonstrating that, by your actions, is the best way to convince her that you are the kind of person she would want to be with. Teach them that if you want to have sex with someone, the right way is to ask her what she wants and this is where my answer got close to your comment:

    “Ask. Her.

    “Now men are expected to keep asking if the woman is still okay with this?”

    Yes. What is the fucking problem with that?

    How do people not get how fucking hot it is to hear a breathless “do you want me to do x to you?” or a “please give me more of that.”

    Enthusiastic, ongoing consent is fucking hot. End of.”

    Enthusiastic, ongoing consent is actually your goal as either a man or a woman if you are going to have the most personally satisfying sexual experience for yourself (I’ll qualify that by saying – if you are normal and are not an abuser). Further, you probably want her to want to be enthusiastically with you again. A good way of making that more likely is to try to see that she has a personally satisfying experience and by being the kind of person she would be attracted to. Respecting her wishes is a no lose proposition for men.

    No woman is going to accuse you of sexually harassing or sexually assaulting them if you ask them what they want and then respect their wishes. I agree completely with your “End of”.


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